I have not made a post for about a month in this diary but this has not been because I have been lazy or in a binge coma. Actually, I keep considering the function of such a diary for me, at this point in my journey. I ask myself: what is the function of me logging in my food every day and documenting my exercise.
On one hand, it is because these steps motivate me. I can see my progress, and I can see the data and interpret it. Tracking in these ways also give me visibility, as if I am being seen in some way, which in turn provides me a sense of validation.
On the other hand, these things are not really real. I do already feel internal motivation just from a desire to be well and to reach a higher level of consciousness. And visibility is a lie, a farce — no one really sees me or knows me, not really, and certainly not more than I see or know myself.
So, the function of documenting and being accountable to a plan continues to perplex me. After almost one year of logging in my food and exercise and nine weeks of keeping this wellness diary on my website, I am not sure that I have reaped the benefits for which I hoped.
Then again, I feel today as if I am at a better place; yet, I always feel that way. Every day is another encounter with the unknown, every day, another opportunity to be tested and to learn about myself and the world.
I am not sure what shape this diary will continue to take, but I do like to express my feelings and thoughts about wellness on my own journey.
There is an element of letting go, even of acceptance, that I wish to work toward in my wellness journey. That, I feel, is a piece that will help other more visible elements fall into place.